I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
