Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
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And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
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When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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