I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how hot balto sounded
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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