someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
