"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
