When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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