I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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