I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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