Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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