She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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