Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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