I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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