I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I came so hard my ears popped.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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