i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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