My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
