On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
