You just made me feel so damn special
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Someone shit on the floor
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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