he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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