Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
