i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
