Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
