I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
