6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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