so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
