You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
