I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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