omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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