just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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