Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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