I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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