so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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