The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
