I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
