You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Randomize
