if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
he shaved USA in his pubs
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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