And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
