I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
