i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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