shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
well I can't set my house on fire every night
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
