someone threw a dead crab at me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
