Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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