I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
