He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Boobs are out for the taking
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
