Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
