We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
