I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
