Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
