She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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