you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
