i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
