You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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