I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
