I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
