If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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