I only kidnapped one of them. chill
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
