I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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