I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
