new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
